I just turned thirty-three a few weeks ago so I am, once again, another year older.
Getting old scares me. I don’t want to look old and sometimes, I feel pressured because I have this list of things that I want to accomplish at a certain age and I haven’t completed more than half of it. But this year, I reminded myself that it’s okay. Just like how I remind myself that everything’s okay every day for the past two years.
I feel like I am always so harsh on myself but if I don’t, I wouldn’t get things done. Pressuring myself is one way to do it, but whenever there’s external pressure from family and/or friends, that’s when I crumble.
But I’ve been saying this since the pandemic started– every day that we get older is a blessing already. Waking up in the morning (or afternoon :P) every single day is a blessing. Life is just too short and too unpredictable that we have to treasure each moment although I have to admit that I take things for granted sometimes.
I get so emotional as I’m typing this because my family and I all got covid. Our work setup is now hybrid so I have to go to the office at least once a week but all I got was the virus the last time I went, lol. Not sure if it came from me or my mom because we went out on the same day. I had to ride three public transportation and she was out with some friends. A few days later, we all got the symptoms. ALL OF IT. It started with my Mom and less than two days after, my Dad and I were coughing like crazy already. We tested positive the next day.
More than a week has passed and we still have the covid cough. But what irritates me the most is the distorted sense of smell and taste. I lost my sense of smell and taste for just a day but after that, everything tastes awful. I’m so upset because out of all the food and drinks in the world, Coke, aka my number one, has the worst taste. It tastes like detergent / gasoline!!!! I still have a sip here and there but it tastes so, so different. Even my cologne smells like alcohol at times. The long-term effects of covid is indeed true. Hopefully this will eventually go away!
Anyway, I was so hopeful this September because the last week of August broke me. But we’re almost at the end of the month and I’m still fucking sad. Sad to the point that I hate myself already whenever I try to to talk to friends and I feel bad for being so negative. I couldn’t really avoid all these feelings especially since I got sick. I was supposed to do a lot of things this month like get my license and stuff but I wasn’t able to. I’m just tired physically, mentally. I don’t have the motivation to wake up and work anymore.
I’ll be working the remaining days of this week so it’s not really something I’m looking forward to. I did enjoy it when I went back to the office but now that I still have the symptoms, I’m not sure if I can go again soon. It feels nice to be out sometimes.
Also, I made a promise to K that I’d drive for him if ever his trip in December will push through but he deleted all my messages just a few days ago. I was so excited for this and to be honest, this is the only reason why I’m pressured to drive. I’m not so sure how I feel about it now. I miss him everyday, it’s driving me crazy. One reason is that yes, I was guilty but I can’t really blame just myself for what happened. The acceptance and moving on stage is now much longer than the actual situationship, haha. It’s like I met my soulmate, screwed everything up, and then now I can’t stop crying about it lol. But you know, I believe in God’s perfect timing. I shouldn’t force things anymore. It’s just so so so difficult.
Before this turn out to be random love life ramblings, I’ll end this with my birthday vlog instead! I think this is my first birthday that Papa was not around to celebrate? He was so busy. But my brother paid for everything so that’s good hahahaha. I woke up cranky because I had to adjust my time for him but it worked out well in the end lol.
Always thankful for all the gifts and birthday greetings from family and friends 🙂 People who never fail to make me feel special are the absolute best and what keeps me going. Life is tough but I have a handful of people who I love, and who loves me in return, and for that I will always be thankful.