I was writing on my journal a few minutes ago but decided to just write on this blog instead. My last post was back in March, when everything was still happy-ish. Just last August alone, I was trapped in a rollercoaster of emotions and until now, I’m still very much overwhelmed.
Also, as an oversharer, I’m afraid that this would turn out to be incoherent ramblings but as if anyone’s reading this, so… I don’t care anymore.
Two weeks ago, I got back from a trip to Australia. It was sponsored by our company because of our 2020 performance and while I’m very thankful, I still feel tired even until now. It’s like my body isn’t mine anymore. I just want to sleep the whole day sometimes and never bother with work. I’m sorry if I sound so ungrateful but there are days when I feel like I’m losing it already. I am no longer happy, I am no longer productive. I need a change of scenery, I need to see different faces. I just don’t want to feel stuck.
But one thing that bothers me the most lately is in the uh, love department. I hate being a hopeless romantic. Since I was young, I’ve dreamt of having someone by my side because I never had any best friends. I do have a couple of close friends and I trust them with my life, but sometimes, I feel like it’s not enough. Maybe I just want romance?
I was actually suffering from a major heartbreak a few months ago. It felt like my heart has not healed fully and yet, I’ve been going through heartbreak after heartbreak.
My long-term boyfriend and I broke up last 2019 after almost eight years of being together. The love that we have is something I couldn’t really explain to anyone because I feel like it was a bit unusual, but I am not mad at him at all, that’s for sure. In fact, I get very defensive whenever I hear something bad being said about him because they clearly don’t know him the way I do. No one has the right to say all these things to him– just me 😉 It was a pity that we broke up but I never regret any moment with him. I was loved since day 1. We still have the mutual respect, and maybe even love, until now… It just didn’t work out.
I tried two dating apps–tinder and bumble, and I just had the weirdest experiences. The first guy I tried to date from Tinder turned out to be the guy I’d STILL cry for, three years later. The second guy, however, is someone I want to erase from my life completely. But what I didn’t realize was that the trauma(s) I got from Guy 2 will still manifest in my current relationship/s even years later.
I have talked to several guys during the past three years but only for a short period of time. Either I got bored because they were not my type, or I got ghosted because I’m too much of a prude to be on these hookup apps. Until now I still get emotional every time I get unmatched or blocked just because I didn’t match their energies. It’s no one’s fault anyway, but I still get attached to practically everyone. My phone has THOUSANDS (I kid you not) of convo screenshots even from strangers I didn’t even like. I just hated the idea that we didn’t match, or they didn’t like me enough to go on a date. Anyway. More on this later, maybe.
Back to Guy 1, let’s call him A. A was, is, and will always be my type. I didn’t even know that it’s possible! I mean, I know guys like him from book or tv show characters, never in real life. He isn’t perfect but physically, he’s what I have always wanted, including all my other preferences in a guy, too. So when I lost contact with Guy 2, I tried messaging A again. We never lost contact because we’re friends on our social media accounts. We get the occasional greetings and story replies. But when Guy 2 was out of the picture, I messaged A right away.
I was still hurt because of what happened and during that time, even though I wasn’t ready yet, I took the chance. In my mind, I need to distract myself from thinking about all the mess. A perfectly gave me that escape. Although we didn’t really talk everyday, the continuous flirting here and there made my days better. It was stupid of me to think that I wouldn’t catch feelings, because OF COURSE I did. And I fell. Hard. So hard that I was blinded by everything that was going on because clearly, I like (ugh I refuse to say I love him because that’s too cheesy! HAHA) him a lot already. I give him gifts even WITHOUT any special occasion. I gave gifts whenever he got upset, whenever I miss him, whenever there are important dates to celebrate. This went on for almost three years. Actually, now that I think about it, our first AND LAST date was on the 6th of September, 2019. Just two days before my 30th birthday. What started as a dare for myself turned out to be one of my biggest heartaches.
So by tomorrow, it’s going to be three years already since A and I met. We talked THE NEXT DAY after my boyfriend and I broke up so obviously, he was supposed to be the rebound. But who’s crying now? HAHA, can’t really blame anyone but myself for this.
We started having problems this year aka more inconsistent communication. As if it was consistent before. I just accepted way waaaaay below the bare minimum. He didn’t even ask me to meet him, not even once, even when he drives and his parents live in the same province that I do. I thought I was special. I thought that after all these years, he treats me at least as a friend, that he cares about me even for a tiny bit. Around March this year, I felt like he was pulling away and I ended up chasing him even more. But it was pointless because he didn’t want to communicate. The last time he messaged me was around June and that was because I sent over coffee and donuts. Oh my god, I’m so stupid 🙂 I cannot believe I did all that for absolutely nothing. Not even a proper goodbye. He just ghosted me, as if I didn’t matter to him. I felt like trash 🙂 But instead of accepting things as it is, I still tried. So around end of July I sent him voice messages saying that was my formal attempt to *finally* let him go. It only lasted for about a week. There were days when I seemed okay but when I listened to one of the VMs, one of them was me sobbing uncontrollably. It was embarrassing but I didn’t care anymore.
The sending of VMs stopped because… dun, dun, dun. I met someone.
Flashback months ago. I was obsessed with Maris and Rico’s vlogs because I adore Rico Blanco, esp people used to say that he and A look a lot alike and I kind of agree? Anyway, there was one vlog that stood out and that was when Rico Blanco was teaching Maris how to drive. I can already imagine how A would teach me to drive and it definitely won’t be like that, lol. I kinda know he drives. And I know his personality too well, he wouldn’t treat me that way haha. So I prayed. I prayed that God will give me someone as gentle and kind as Rico Blanco. A few months ago, of course I was praying for A. But I clearly remembered that my prayers changed. That I prayed for A PERSON as months went by, not realizing I was no longer praying for him specifically anymore. He didn’t want me after all.
So around day 3 or 4 of my attempt to move on, I was swiping casually on Tinder because I was bored. I didn’t have anyone to talk to and I just want cute guys for validation, hahaha. But there was one guy who messaged me out of the blue to ask if I am tall because I look tall in the pictures. He’s pure Japanese but was born and raised in Hawaii so he only speaks English. The first night we talked, we clicked right away. And oh my gosh, HE LOOKS SO GOOD. Unbelievably good. Out of my league good.
I was in cloud 9 the whole week. And then I remembered A. I was too happy. I felt like it was impossible for me to be *that* happy when all I get is non-stop hearbreak. So I listened to my voice messages for A again.
Day 2, I told him I was back on Tinder. I told him I have zero interest in anyone because somebody aka him have already met my standards so why would I lower them? If he’s not up to my standards, I wouldn’t entertain anyone ever again. Then Guy 3 came, let’s call him K. So when K unexpectedly messaged me, it was like a blessing from the heavens. I sent pictures of him to my friends and they all asked me if it was A!!! They actually look really REALLY similar, but uh, K has this celebrity aura. I don’t want to put him on a pedestal but I SWEAR, he looks exactly like a Terrace House member. And his voice. And abs…. GAHD. I can go on and on how he looks exactly like a dream to me.
But days passed and we talked about a lot of things– from nonsense, to deep, to naughty, to whatever random thing we can think of. He sends me a lot of song recommendations, too. Plus he was SO CONSISTENT that it made me cry even just after a few days of talking to him. It’s like I couldn’t comprehend how that would be possible. We talk everyday, at least twice a day, same time in the morning and evening since he’s on a night shift and there’s an 18-hour difference. It may be the bare minimum for some, but it was a huge deal for me. This everyday schedule was more than enough to keep me happy and sane.
I have always been a words of affirmation kind of girl and K didn’t even know that but he expresses everythiiiiing in words. His communication skills are unbelievable… that I thought I didn’t deserve any of it. That’s when all the insecurities came flooding in. Every time he compliments me (which is always, and A LOT), I felt uncomfortable. Instead, I refused to believe him and had all these annoying replies to almost everything he said. But he was just so patient and kind. He told me that he wishes I see myself the way he sees me and when he said that, I cried. Because I told A the same exact thing in one of my VMs. I just couldn’t believe someone felt that way around me. I know it’s early stages and it might not be true, or it might be another case of love bombing, but my heart just couldn’t handle all the emotions. It was overwhelming.
We continued to talk and he’s the same awesome person everyday. Always so kind, always so gentle– EXACTLY the one I prayed for a few months back. We had some arguments but we always apologize and talk it out. It’s crazy how healthy our communication was, despite the time and distance. I was so, so, SO HAPPY. I wasn’t even looking for a new love and it felt like God gave him to me. I hoped it’s not just to help me forget about A. I felt like he helped me love myself too and the chances of loving someone again went up. I have so much love to give but I didn’t think it’s possible to receive the same intensity from anyone. That was how the past few weeks felt for me vs. the years I experienced loving someone who didn’t even like me back.
Forgetting A felt quick, but I realized how long I’ve suffered from all the sleepless nights and overthinking. Meeting K just made me realize that. I was not planning to make K a rebound at all. He deserved so much more than that. And I felt like if we put effort into it, we could make it work. So when the time came that I was no longer thinking about A, I felt like this could really develop into something more than friendship.
The night before I left for Australia, I was still talking to K as I was packing my bags. But the next morning, it felt like he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and was so annoyed. I know he didn’t like it when I ask him to repeat things and that morning, I was trying to act cute because I was so excited for my trip. He got annoyed and felt like I was pestering him when it’s not even that deep. I got annoyed too that he was upset so I hopped on a plane, traveled for eight hours, didn’t have any internet connection for almost the entire day. For the first time, he didn’t contact me for the whole twenty-four hours.
I was mad at first because I felt like none of it was my fault so I told one of my friends about it. She said I was so annoying and that I should apologize. I wonder why it took me two days to realize that I was the one at fault here but when I apologized, he never replied. He didn’t even take my calls. I came back from the trip with zero replies. Few days later, I was blocked EVERYWHERE.
I felt my entire body shook with pain when I saw I was blocked. I cried and cried for days. I didn’t understand how we went from being so sweet to eventually getting blocked in all of his social media accounts. But I couldn’t believe and accept what happened so I got crazy and found a way to message him. I used the birthday card (lol) just so he’d reply. And he did. For the very short time I got to know him, I feel like I already understand how his mind works. He explained what made him angry and OH MY GOSH. I felt like I got poured over a bucket of ice water. How could I be that stupid??? In that moment, I felt like I deserved the anger. But I apologized over and over and explained my side. He read my messages about a few days ago so now… we wait.
Am I expecting he’d still reply? No, of course not. I already conditioned myself of this possibility. But am I praying for him to text me back? That… I cannot deny. Of course I want him to forgive me. I wasn’t even expecting we’d be back to the way we were. I just want him to know why I did what I did and if possible, forgive me before my birthday? Haha.
I can only let go and let God now. As much as I want things to happen, his feelings aren’t really out of my control. But my pain comes from guilt. That if I only listened to him, talked to him, and trusted him more, this wouldn’t have happened. Now all I feel is regret. I know how my reactions were from traumas I experienced before but those are traumas that I didn’t choose. And like what he said, it’s unfair that I was being too harsh on him when he didn’t even do anything. But yeah, I know I should’ve treated him, and myself, better. I should make myself feel that I deserve that kind of gentle treatment from anyone. That I deserve more, that I deserve better.
I’m obviously not very good when it comes to explaining myself in just a few words. I ramble a lot and most of these are too personal but I feel like even with everything written here, I still haven’t poured out everything yet.
But now my heart feels a little bit lighter. I don’t cry anymore. I don’t dwell a lot of the what ifs anymore because with everything I went through, I made sure I did the best I can. With K, I guess I just have to trust him? That he’ll reach out eventually?
And if not, then, Lord, please let me move on from this. Hahahaha. I promised myself that if K and I didn’t work out, I wouldn’t go on dating apps anymore so I deleted both tinder and bumble. Let’s see what happens next.
I’m turning 33 in a few days!!!! I wrote this because I was so, so sad earlier and now I’m feeling a whole lot better 🙂 *proceeds to add more items to cart since it’s my birth month anyway*