I’m tired.

Like physically, emotionally, and mentally tired.  Everyday I wake up not knowing what to do AND knowing exactly what to do at the same time.  What I know is that as soon as I wake up, I have to prepare breakfast, open my laptop, work for at least eight hours, and eat meals and snacks in between.  Sometimes I take a nap during lunch breaks, too. After work, I feel so drained already that I’m not sure if I consciously go to bed or if I just pass out because of fatigue.  Then I wake up a few hours before midnight because I get hungry.  Sometimes I workout because I feel fat, often times I just catch up on shows and movies that I want to watch.  I eat midnight snacks and shower very late at night (or reaaaaally early morning) which seems very unhealthy even for me.

This has been going on for more than a year now.  Last year was more tolerable for sure.  When I thought I was having a hard time then, I should have just savored the days when I still get to relax.  Now every day gets worse.  I feel like I’m thiiiis close to having a mental breakdown. I haven’t been out of the house for more than a year, I don’t see my friends anymore (and seeing them meet up often irritates the hell out of me because I feel like I’m stuck here), I haven’t done any of the things I love to do or go anywhere I want to go.

I have always been an introvert and love staying in but at least I had a choice before the pandemic happened.  Our place has no taxis / grab drivers so I couldn’t really go out because I don’t have a car.  Commute is too risky since I have to transfer to at least three public vehicles to go to the office, or even to the mall I used to go.  It is so difficult for me because while I love having my own place aka my room, it sucks to see my work area 24/7.  I feel suffocated.

There are just so many things I want to start, so many hobbies I still want to try, and job opportunities that I have always dreamt of pursuing.  I already told my ex-boss about my plans to resign around September of last year but who knew we’d be like this more than a year later?

Now I’m stuck in a job I don’t even understand.  If someone asks me if it’s fulfilling to have this job, I’ll say no immediately.  The only thing that keeps me going is that I adore *most* of my teammates and I do have genuine love and concern for the company.  I am proud of what we do and how it helps the community.  But my job, specifically, no.  No, no, no.  I always feel like people blame me for the smallest mishaps, that I don’t help them enough just because we work behind the scenes.  Sometimes a simple thank you goes a long way but it’s so rare to get those these days.

I find myself always stuck in meetings at least four hours a day, five times a week.  Sometimes I get calls on weekends and we HAVE TO work on our Monday reports the night before.  It’s exhausting. The reports and all the other projects, I can handle.  But not meetings.  They drain the life out of me 🙁 I always have this wall and my boundaries are very important to me.  Calls are fine if they are not forced i.e. I actually want to talk to this person.  But if it’s required, I feel so so tired after.  I’ve experienced being in a meeting for eight hours straight I almost threw up after.

Plus, friends don’t initiate calls with me that much.  It has always been me.  So that’s another thing that saddens me, too.  I spend time and effort on people and most of the time, I swear I’m not expecting anything in return.  But lately, I just want someone to constantly be there for me because I feel like I’m not myself anymore. Maybe I just want to hear a simple thank you.  Maybe I need validation because I’m having a hard time.

I’m not sure if I’m still making sense,  I just want to rant how much I hate the situation I’m in.  Heh.  I hope the vaccine will come sooner because at least I will have that extra protection and will make me worry less that I’ll get the virus or pass it to someone else.

If this post happened to be read by anyone from the office, then I apologize.  But I’m tired.  Money is my only motivation because out of everyone in my family, my job is the most stable.  We couldn’t afford to lose our emergency fund / stable source of income. I pray all of this will be over soon because I’m not sure how long this stress can badly affect my mental AND physical health, I actually have swollen eyes while typing this.

Abruptly ending this post because my head hurts and I can’t think anymore.  Bye.

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