One of my father’s friends died yesterday… He was close to us especially to my brother.  I learned about it this afternoon but it didn’t sink in.  Now I’m just sad.  My brother posted about it on facebook and it made me tear up.  Then cry, then write, and cry some more.

I’m not sure if the details are correct but here are some of the things I learned about Tito Del.  I can’t recall how Papa and Tito Del met, but I guess it was because of work?  Tito Del used to be rich, with a good job and a business– until he fell sick. He had a wife and kids, and he loved dressing up, too.  Whenever he drops by our house before or after church, he’s always wearing button-down long sleeves, a pair of decent-looking pants and shoes.  Mommy said he used to wear that every day for work.

When he got sick, they spent all his money, including their family’s savings, for medication, hospital bills, surgery, etc.  Their whole life changed after that.  His wife and eldest child found it difficult to adapt to the situation they were in since they were used to a pretty lavish lifestyle.  But for me, that was nothing compared to how Tito felt.  I’m thankful his family didn’t leave him, but he must’ve been so sad up to the point that he felt useless because he couldn’t get a job and they had no money left.  Eventually, he got better but he can’t talk properly anymore.  He’s still the same– witty and funny– but he can’t pronounce words clearly but he tried so hard (okay, I’m seriously crying right now that I remember him struggling).

I admit I’m not the best person to be around him because I didn’t pay much attention compared to my brother.  I know this is a very lame excuse but I found it difficult to listen to him because I did not understand most of the words he was saying.  Heck, I can’t even understand normal people when they talk to me (poor ears!!), how much more if they had trouble speaking?  Now, as I’m typing this, I feel bad that I didn’t try hard enough.  I am so sorry, Tito.  I should have listened better, I really am sorry 🙁

He would often come at our house, usually in the morning, just to visit us.  Since I’m not a morning person at all, he usually comes while I was still sleeping.  Sometimes, I get to see him, but often, my brother goes out to talk to him.  Sometimes he brings bananas, bread, or anything he can offer even though I know he almost has nothing left.  He walks everyday for over 30 minutes.  He says he would have been dead long ago if not for walking.  It’s his exercise and it clears his mind.  Also, I’m not sure but maybe he just doesn’t have the money to ride the jeep/tricycle.  I feel terrible for not meeting him as often.  For all the times he was here and I didn’t bother to come out of the house, I’m sorry 🙁

There was a time when we got to visit his house… If I’m not mistaken… it was for his daughter’s wedding?  We’re almost the same age, and it’s her daughter he loved so dearly and loved him back as well.  She was too young when Tito got sick so growing up, he wasn’t used to live in luxury so she’s just a normal, simple, girl.  At least Tito had grandchildren eventually who made him happy 🙂 But when I was there, I was both mad and sad by how they treat him.  I know this will not be the case if he still has money… This kind of reality breaks my heart so much.

I’ll be going to his wake tomorrow and try my hardest not to cry.  Tito Del, in front of us, always tried to be positive despite all his problems.  Be it money or family, he always tried to look happy.  I know he’s embarrassed that sometimes he had to borrow money from us (and my family never asked them to pay), and that’s what frustrated him the most.  Some people thought he was abusing my family’s generosity, but it’s not like that.  My family treated him kindly and I know, and he says it a lot, how grateful he is.  It saddens me every time he says that we treat him better than his family.  His daughter I mentioned earlier is currently working abroad, so no wonder he felt alone when he was at home.

Tito Del converted to Iglesia ni Cristo and to be honest, I’m glad he did.  He found friends and renewed his faith.  Maybe that’s why he was wishing that he’ll die already, because he wanted to be in peace with the Lord.  Mommy said it was his request, and maybe, God wanted to end his suffering too. I am so proud of him for holding out for this long.  Now I’m sure he’s finally in peace, looking down on his family and praying and guiding them all.

Tito, I’m sorry if I’m not very expressive, but I’m thankful for all the things you shared to us.  Thank you for always thinking about us, for praying for our health and safety, for saying out loud that you love us like your real children.  I will miss you because even though we don’t see each other that much, I know you always try to visit us as often as possible, and I always eat all the pandesal and bananas you bring.  Thank you for thinking I’m smart and pretty, I always believe it when it’s you who says it.  I still remember how you like your coffee, what snacks you like, how OC you get if you see anything dirty, your english jokes, etc.  If I’m feeling like this, I’m more worried for my brother.  He’s the more expressive one and they used to be so close.

Until now, I have no idea what caused his death, but I pray that he didn’t suffer anymore before he was taken away. It’s weird how unemotional I looked earlier when I heard the news vs. me typing all these right now.  He lived a sad, painful life but his smiling face got me.  He even asked my Mommy just last Monday to take pictures of him, and I’m pretty sure it was his last picture ever.  Must have it printed tomorrow.  I’d like to think he was already prepared.

I pray to God to not forget his family, that they may not suffer the way he did because that’s just what Tito Del always wanted: for the people he loved to be always happy despite the miserable things happening.

My brain’s turning to mush and I can’t stop crying. We’ll see him tomorrow.  I must be strong because I know he never wanted to see us sad.

Rest in peace, Tito Del. Please be happy up there every day.  Pray for us.

I used to blog regularly on tumblr since I was in college, but sometimes real life (and slow internet) happens.  I often miss blogging about the little things because while I do want to share them, I also wanted to live in that moment.  So often times, these little things, though not less important than the grandest ones, were left sort of forgotten because they weren’t documented.

Ahh, my heart feels lighter now.  Maybe I should go back to writing personal posts, too…

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